Picture it: Northwest Champaign. It’s 90 degrees at 9:30 PM. We’re at a friend’s birthday party playing Guitar Hero outside, courtesy of a projector and a garage door. I’m doing pretty well on the expert level given that I’ve had my fair share of the birthday keg. K shows up to take me home and I state that I’m gonna play one more song and then take off. I play my song and then turn around to find out a crowd has appeared and a 12 year old girl has challenged me.
Challenged me? I’ve never been challenged before. What does this mean? Am I about to get schooled at Guitar Hero in front of a crowd of people, some of whom I know and work with? I hope she doesn’t want to play “Cult of Personality,” because I will lose.
I immediately start my anti-smack talk. Like, “This isn’t fair. I have a job to go to during the day. She’s got all summer vacation to practice.” (true) Or, “I don’t even have this version of the game at home.” (also true) Or, “I’m sight reading here!” (false) Then it was, “Let’s even the playing field and give her 6 beers first.”
Okay, I don’t really advocate giving a 12 year old 6 beers. But, it would’ve been more fair.
So, the game starts. Luckily we’ve picked a song that I can get through. I’m concentrating as hard as I can. I’ve never been so nervous playing the game. In the background, I hear K shout, “D, if you lose I’m leaving and taking the dog with me.” Or maybe that was just my imagination. Either way, I can’t lose or I’ll never live it down.
Things seem pretty evenly matched. I’m impressed. We’ve all seen the 6 year old on YouTube playing on Expert while not looking. I’m glad it wasn’t that kid. Instead, it was just your average 12 year old girl who is awesome at GH3. Maybe we could’ve given her just 1 beer?
Finally, the song’s over. I look up to see I’ve scored 171,000 and my competition is at 99,000!!! I WON!! I AM THE CHAMPION!! I AM THE CHAMP-ION!! Which is, of course, the worst way to win. “Great. You beat a 12 year old girl. Way to go!” I mean, you can’t impress your wife with that.